It was the 5 th of November, 2005. I sat face-to-face with Kunal at a corner table at Barney’s Café, after three long days of deliberation, two-and-a-half hours of telephonic conversation with my best friend, and finally, asking him out for coffee. The last light of the winter sun lit up his face as he sipped his coffee, occasionally looking at me, and then withdrawing. This was supposed to be our last meeting; the first and last meeting we ever had outside school.
“So, umm...You're leaving for Bangalore then?” I tried to keep the conversation going.
“Yeah, finally.” He replied, looking away from me, perhaps outside the window.
“Won't you...” I stuttered, “I mean...won't you miss Belmont?”
“Perhaps. I don't know.”
“You've studied here for longer than I did, right?”
“Yes, seven years.” his lips slowly curled into a wry smile.
“I’ve been here for five years, yet it makes me so emotional when I think of not being a part of it anymore. I’m gonna miss everyone. Specially...” I tried my best to conceal the quiver in my voice, “…Specially you, Kunal. I’ll miss you.”
“Hmm.” He pursed his lips and looked me straight in the eye. Those olive brown eyes that had enchanted my heart, made me fall in love for the first time in my life, were devoid of the sparkle I thought I'd see in them. My heart broke a little.
“Don't you feel emotional?” I broke the awkward silence that kept trying to set in between us for the third time. He looked away for a second and paused. The corner of his lip rose into a smirk. And then, he broke the silence.
“No,” he took one last sip and put his mug down, “I don't have emotions.” He looked at his watch. The sun had died down beyond the horizon, and all that was left was the pale, weak twilight, fading away into the darkness. “Thanks for the coffee.” He rose to leave.
“Sometimes, it's good to be emotional.” I touched his hand. He looked at me with a stony face and turned to leave. I rose too, and silently followed him outside into the street where we would part ways forever.
“Wait! I’ve got one last thing to say.” I called. He turned around. “Since this is our first meeting, I didn't want to say this, but since it's also our last, I will.” I finally mustered all my strength and courage to speak.
“Kunal, I’ve wanted to tell you this since the day I first met you. I thought it was just a crush that would fade away with time, but no, it just won't! It has only grown deeper and deeper in the past five years. I don’t need an answer. I just wanted to let you know I love you, just in case...” he smiled wryly.
I flushed as he took a step towards me. He gave me an amused look, and said, “In case, what?”
I took a deep breath. “In case I don't have another chance to say this.” I blurted out. He smiled.
“I heard you.” He paused for a moment and nodded, frowning lightly as if he was trying to understand the whole thing like a difficult math problem. “Goodbye.” He waved and disappeared into the crowd. My jaws grew tense as I struggled to keep my tears from betraying me in a public place. Sure, I did say I needed no answer, but there I stood in the middle of the street, neither accepted nor rejected, hanging between holding on and letting go, as a crowd passed by me.
Not having an answer never hurt so much before I mustered all my courage to say the one thing that really mattered. I dug my hands deep into my pockets and walked till I reached the stairs of the local museum, a Colonial era building converted into a museum after Independence. I sat down on a step and looked all around. Tears burst forth from my eyes, chilling my face as a cold winter wind blew. He neither told me he didn't want me, nor did he accept me. How could he do that to me? How could he torment me like this? I had no answer.
I checked my watch to discover it was 7:40 pm. I had to get back to my room and pack up for my return home the next day. Luckily, I managed to get the last bus. I gazed at the city’s flickering lights, and all I could think of was his cold, passive reply, “I don’t have emotions.”
Back home, Mona, my best friend and neighbour had come over to celebrate my homecoming.
“Hey, it's so good to see you back home!” she hugged me when I entered my room, surprised to find her waiting. “So, how did it go? Did you ask him out?”
I nodded and sat down on the edge of my bed, clutching the sheets.
“Are you okay, Sophia?”
“I don't know, Mona. I think I shouldn't have said it to him. I ruined everything.” I looked away. She touched my shoulder.
“It’s okay, Sophia. At least you can say you tried. It's okay.” She consoled me.
“I’m not hurt, Mona. I didn't expect that he would act like a rock in front of the girl who has loved him for five years. I'm shocked.”
“It’s not your fault that he acted like a rock. Sometimes, people don't realize who they really are. They forcefully try to live upto an image of themselves in their head. They try to be who they think they are, instead of being who they actually are. And it's okay, because mostly, they stop at one point and realize they were wrong.”
“What if it’s too late before Kunal realizes?”
“Better late than never, Sophia. Now don't worry about all that. Come with me.” She stormed out of my room downstairs and plonked herself on the sofa. “Look what I got for you.” She took out a miniature pottery kit from her bag, complete with a step-by-step guide and a little battery-operated wheel.
“Oh my gosh! Thank you so much, Mona! How did you know I wanted to learn miniature pottery?” I smiled.
“I read your mind, you know!” she laughed.
Six years passed by like a whiff of wind. I had completed my education, worked with a regional fashion firm for some time and then quit the job to start my own boutique. My fame was beginning to spread to the neighbouring towns and cities, and I was happy doing what I loved to do. Well, apart from the excruciating dilemma in my heart, that is. To wait or to forget, that was the question.
One September afternoon, I decided to let both my assistants have the day off after lunch. I finished off a couple of orders and wrapped up for the day. I walked slowly, breathing the radiance of the pleasant autumn day. A few grey clouds hung low under the ceiling of cottony white clouds. I remembered some of my clients that morning: a short, fat lady asked for a custom made skin-tight dress. A bony, dark-complexioned girl came in asking me to design something in sheer black fabric for her. The thing about these women was that they didn’t care about fashion advice; they just knew what they wanted, even if it wouldn’t look good on them. Perhaps sometimes—I thought—we don’t really need what we want.
As I reached the bus stop, I noticed a familiar figure leaning on the steel railing. A cool breeze was blowing as the sky began to get overcast with grey clouds. My heart skipped a beat as he met my gaze. It was Kunal.
“Hey, how are you?” He said as he walked up to me.
“Umm, fine, I guess.” I replied, looking away.
“I think this bus goes to Church Street, so you live there?” he asked, fidgeting with the strap of his backpack.
“Not Church Street actually, the previous stop. What are you doing here?” I met his gaze. He smiled nervously.
“Visiting some relatives nearby. They’re coming to pick me up.” He said. “I’ve heard of your boutique. You’re pretty famous, eh?” he asked playfully.
“Maybe.” I shrugged. “Where do you live now?” I asked.
“I do a lot of travelling between Chandigarh, Delhi and Lakshminagar.” He said.
The bus arrived. I bade him a hasty goodbye and I got into the bus. I took my usual seat: third row, left window. He kept looking at me as the bus picked up speed. My mind was full of thoughts, memories and questions unanswered. Why did he come up and talk to me if he didn’t have emotions? I still didn’t have an answer. It began to drizzle when I got down, and since I didn’t have an umbrella, I had to take shelter in the bus stop.
I took a deep breath as the petrichor filled my lungs. I was transported back to the time I and Kunal were classmates in Belmont International School. I loved how he laughed, the way he took notes in class like a stenographer, the way he excelled at everything. On rainy days, I would sit by the window in my hostel room and write poems for him, only to shred them and throw them in the trash later.
It was not that we were miles apart; we did have conversations, but we never went deeper than class notes and career planning. He barely spoke to anyone about himself, and spent most of his time immersed in books. If he ever talked, it had to be something important, related to the syllabus, or something about football.
I loved the way he meticulously organized his notes into sections and sub sections, writing everything in bullet points, often adding personalized comments in purple, blue and yellow sticky notes. I used to borrow his notebooks just to sit for hours admiring his notes as if they were masterpieces, running my finger along each line, looking at each letter as if it were a hieroglyph.
My roommate thought I fell for him because he was ‘cool and all, what with that voice and those guitar skills’. It’s not true. I fell in love with him because in him I saw a beautiful soul, endless possibilities, and someone who speaks the language of my world. He never got into fights and politics, and whenever he had the chance, he would even take a few blows to stop a fight. And that made me admire him all the more.
A year passed with not another trace of Kunal. I spent my days thinking of him, and then drifting off to other things, knowing that it’s all in vain. I loved him, but somewhere, a voice inside me began telling me it’s in vain. I gazed at the sky on starry nights, wondering if he was watching the stars too, and pined away in secret for a love that couldn’t possibly happen. And then, on the 16th of December, 2012, I received a parcel at work.
It was a box wrapped in brown paper with my address written in black marker on top, in his remarkably neat handwriting. When my assistants had taken their leave for the day, I took it out from my cabinet and tore it open. Inside, was a paperback titled Starry Nights and Dreamy Days: The Collected Poems , with my name below it, and a hand written letter:
Dear Sophia,
Seven years ago, outside Barney’s Café, you told me that you love me. If you don’t, now, it’s okay. But just in case you still do, I need you to know the truth about me. Please forgive me for showing utter indifference that day, because I didn’t do it to hurt you; I did it to save you from lifelong heartache. I am no actor, but that day, I had to appear heartless, just to prevent your heart from breaking.
My mother committed suicide when I was ten years old. She may have been relieved of the burden of life, but my father and I were left with a vacuum nothing could fill up. I was still learning to take care of myself, and she left me alone, with nobody to turn to when I needed someone to guide me. My father stayed in office till late, and all I had while I stayed awake was my dog which soon died.
When I was twelve, I was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. After two years of treatment, I recovered and returned to normal life. I didn’t do well that year, but in the years to come I studied hard and became one of the best students of Belmont. In 2005, my illness returned. And this time, it had begun slowly spreading throughout my body. The drugs I was prescribed, only stretched my life longer, but didn’t guarantee complete recovery. I was perfectly okay on the outside, but my blood was a poison. Each day I came ten times closer to my end than I would normally.
Last week, my doctors surrendered. There’s nothing that can save me now. My days are numbered. Sophia, I don’t want you to go through what my father and I did. Losing a loved one leaves an indelible scar on your heart. And I wouldn’t ever want to be the reason for yours. I know, not knowing whether to wait or to forget is painful. But please forgive me; it took me seven years to muster enough courage to reveal the truth to you. But now that you do know, please pray for me. I have just two weeks left on this beautiful planet.
Also, I know you didn’t want an answer but here’s mine: I love you too. Ever since your roommate sneaked me copies of the poems you wrote for me, I fell in love with you. I have sent you a specimen copy of the anthology I made out of your poems which will be published on your birthday next week. I’m sorry I didn’t admit it earlier, but better late than never. Please take care of yourself, and don’t forget me.
Goodbye,
Kunal.
A teardrop silently fell on the paper as I read the last paragraph. I read it again, one, two, three times. I whispered, “It’s okay, Kunal. It’s okay.” I let out a deep sigh,” You don’t have to apologize.” I put the book and the letter in my bag and stepped out into the cold winter night. The smell of coffee from the coffee shop next door made me feel sick. I remembered his face in the light of the setting sun seven years ago. “Better late than never.” I mumbled to myself. At least I had an answer to last me for a lifetime.
“So, umm...You're leaving for Bangalore then?” I tried to keep the conversation going.
“Yeah, finally.” He replied, looking away from me, perhaps outside the window.
“Won't you...” I stuttered, “I mean...won't you miss Belmont?”
“Perhaps. I don't know.”
“You've studied here for longer than I did, right?”
“Yes, seven years.” his lips slowly curled into a wry smile.
“I’ve been here for five years, yet it makes me so emotional when I think of not being a part of it anymore. I’m gonna miss everyone. Specially...” I tried my best to conceal the quiver in my voice, “…Specially you, Kunal. I’ll miss you.”
“Hmm.” He pursed his lips and looked me straight in the eye. Those olive brown eyes that had enchanted my heart, made me fall in love for the first time in my life, were devoid of the sparkle I thought I'd see in them. My heart broke a little.
“Don't you feel emotional?” I broke the awkward silence that kept trying to set in between us for the third time. He looked away for a second and paused. The corner of his lip rose into a smirk. And then, he broke the silence.
“No,” he took one last sip and put his mug down, “I don't have emotions.” He looked at his watch. The sun had died down beyond the horizon, and all that was left was the pale, weak twilight, fading away into the darkness. “Thanks for the coffee.” He rose to leave.
“Sometimes, it's good to be emotional.” I touched his hand. He looked at me with a stony face and turned to leave. I rose too, and silently followed him outside into the street where we would part ways forever.
“Wait! I’ve got one last thing to say.” I called. He turned around. “Since this is our first meeting, I didn't want to say this, but since it's also our last, I will.” I finally mustered all my strength and courage to speak.
“Kunal, I’ve wanted to tell you this since the day I first met you. I thought it was just a crush that would fade away with time, but no, it just won't! It has only grown deeper and deeper in the past five years. I don’t need an answer. I just wanted to let you know I love you, just in case...” he smiled wryly.
I flushed as he took a step towards me. He gave me an amused look, and said, “In case, what?”
I took a deep breath. “In case I don't have another chance to say this.” I blurted out. He smiled.
“I heard you.” He paused for a moment and nodded, frowning lightly as if he was trying to understand the whole thing like a difficult math problem. “Goodbye.” He waved and disappeared into the crowd. My jaws grew tense as I struggled to keep my tears from betraying me in a public place. Sure, I did say I needed no answer, but there I stood in the middle of the street, neither accepted nor rejected, hanging between holding on and letting go, as a crowd passed by me.
Not having an answer never hurt so much before I mustered all my courage to say the one thing that really mattered. I dug my hands deep into my pockets and walked till I reached the stairs of the local museum, a Colonial era building converted into a museum after Independence. I sat down on a step and looked all around. Tears burst forth from my eyes, chilling my face as a cold winter wind blew. He neither told me he didn't want me, nor did he accept me. How could he do that to me? How could he torment me like this? I had no answer.
I checked my watch to discover it was 7:40 pm. I had to get back to my room and pack up for my return home the next day. Luckily, I managed to get the last bus. I gazed at the city’s flickering lights, and all I could think of was his cold, passive reply, “I don’t have emotions.”
Back home, Mona, my best friend and neighbour had come over to celebrate my homecoming.
“Hey, it's so good to see you back home!” she hugged me when I entered my room, surprised to find her waiting. “So, how did it go? Did you ask him out?”
I nodded and sat down on the edge of my bed, clutching the sheets.
“Are you okay, Sophia?”
“I don't know, Mona. I think I shouldn't have said it to him. I ruined everything.” I looked away. She touched my shoulder.
“It’s okay, Sophia. At least you can say you tried. It's okay.” She consoled me.
“I’m not hurt, Mona. I didn't expect that he would act like a rock in front of the girl who has loved him for five years. I'm shocked.”
“It’s not your fault that he acted like a rock. Sometimes, people don't realize who they really are. They forcefully try to live upto an image of themselves in their head. They try to be who they think they are, instead of being who they actually are. And it's okay, because mostly, they stop at one point and realize they were wrong.”
“What if it’s too late before Kunal realizes?”
“Better late than never, Sophia. Now don't worry about all that. Come with me.” She stormed out of my room downstairs and plonked herself on the sofa. “Look what I got for you.” She took out a miniature pottery kit from her bag, complete with a step-by-step guide and a little battery-operated wheel.
“Oh my gosh! Thank you so much, Mona! How did you know I wanted to learn miniature pottery?” I smiled.
“I read your mind, you know!” she laughed.
Six years passed by like a whiff of wind. I had completed my education, worked with a regional fashion firm for some time and then quit the job to start my own boutique. My fame was beginning to spread to the neighbouring towns and cities, and I was happy doing what I loved to do. Well, apart from the excruciating dilemma in my heart, that is. To wait or to forget, that was the question.
One September afternoon, I decided to let both my assistants have the day off after lunch. I finished off a couple of orders and wrapped up for the day. I walked slowly, breathing the radiance of the pleasant autumn day. A few grey clouds hung low under the ceiling of cottony white clouds. I remembered some of my clients that morning: a short, fat lady asked for a custom made skin-tight dress. A bony, dark-complexioned girl came in asking me to design something in sheer black fabric for her. The thing about these women was that they didn’t care about fashion advice; they just knew what they wanted, even if it wouldn’t look good on them. Perhaps sometimes—I thought—we don’t really need what we want.
As I reached the bus stop, I noticed a familiar figure leaning on the steel railing. A cool breeze was blowing as the sky began to get overcast with grey clouds. My heart skipped a beat as he met my gaze. It was Kunal.
“Hey, how are you?” He said as he walked up to me.
“Umm, fine, I guess.” I replied, looking away.
“I think this bus goes to Church Street, so you live there?” he asked, fidgeting with the strap of his backpack.
“Not Church Street actually, the previous stop. What are you doing here?” I met his gaze. He smiled nervously.
“Visiting some relatives nearby. They’re coming to pick me up.” He said. “I’ve heard of your boutique. You’re pretty famous, eh?” he asked playfully.
“Maybe.” I shrugged. “Where do you live now?” I asked.
“I do a lot of travelling between Chandigarh, Delhi and Lakshminagar.” He said.
The bus arrived. I bade him a hasty goodbye and I got into the bus. I took my usual seat: third row, left window. He kept looking at me as the bus picked up speed. My mind was full of thoughts, memories and questions unanswered. Why did he come up and talk to me if he didn’t have emotions? I still didn’t have an answer. It began to drizzle when I got down, and since I didn’t have an umbrella, I had to take shelter in the bus stop.
I took a deep breath as the petrichor filled my lungs. I was transported back to the time I and Kunal were classmates in Belmont International School. I loved how he laughed, the way he took notes in class like a stenographer, the way he excelled at everything. On rainy days, I would sit by the window in my hostel room and write poems for him, only to shred them and throw them in the trash later.
It was not that we were miles apart; we did have conversations, but we never went deeper than class notes and career planning. He barely spoke to anyone about himself, and spent most of his time immersed in books. If he ever talked, it had to be something important, related to the syllabus, or something about football.
I loved the way he meticulously organized his notes into sections and sub sections, writing everything in bullet points, often adding personalized comments in purple, blue and yellow sticky notes. I used to borrow his notebooks just to sit for hours admiring his notes as if they were masterpieces, running my finger along each line, looking at each letter as if it were a hieroglyph.
My roommate thought I fell for him because he was ‘cool and all, what with that voice and those guitar skills’. It’s not true. I fell in love with him because in him I saw a beautiful soul, endless possibilities, and someone who speaks the language of my world. He never got into fights and politics, and whenever he had the chance, he would even take a few blows to stop a fight. And that made me admire him all the more.
A year passed with not another trace of Kunal. I spent my days thinking of him, and then drifting off to other things, knowing that it’s all in vain. I loved him, but somewhere, a voice inside me began telling me it’s in vain. I gazed at the sky on starry nights, wondering if he was watching the stars too, and pined away in secret for a love that couldn’t possibly happen. And then, on the 16th of December, 2012, I received a parcel at work.
It was a box wrapped in brown paper with my address written in black marker on top, in his remarkably neat handwriting. When my assistants had taken their leave for the day, I took it out from my cabinet and tore it open. Inside, was a paperback titled Starry Nights and Dreamy Days: The Collected Poems , with my name below it, and a hand written letter:
Dear Sophia,
Seven years ago, outside Barney’s Café, you told me that you love me. If you don’t, now, it’s okay. But just in case you still do, I need you to know the truth about me. Please forgive me for showing utter indifference that day, because I didn’t do it to hurt you; I did it to save you from lifelong heartache. I am no actor, but that day, I had to appear heartless, just to prevent your heart from breaking.
My mother committed suicide when I was ten years old. She may have been relieved of the burden of life, but my father and I were left with a vacuum nothing could fill up. I was still learning to take care of myself, and she left me alone, with nobody to turn to when I needed someone to guide me. My father stayed in office till late, and all I had while I stayed awake was my dog which soon died.
When I was twelve, I was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. After two years of treatment, I recovered and returned to normal life. I didn’t do well that year, but in the years to come I studied hard and became one of the best students of Belmont. In 2005, my illness returned. And this time, it had begun slowly spreading throughout my body. The drugs I was prescribed, only stretched my life longer, but didn’t guarantee complete recovery. I was perfectly okay on the outside, but my blood was a poison. Each day I came ten times closer to my end than I would normally.
Last week, my doctors surrendered. There’s nothing that can save me now. My days are numbered. Sophia, I don’t want you to go through what my father and I did. Losing a loved one leaves an indelible scar on your heart. And I wouldn’t ever want to be the reason for yours. I know, not knowing whether to wait or to forget is painful. But please forgive me; it took me seven years to muster enough courage to reveal the truth to you. But now that you do know, please pray for me. I have just two weeks left on this beautiful planet.
Also, I know you didn’t want an answer but here’s mine: I love you too. Ever since your roommate sneaked me copies of the poems you wrote for me, I fell in love with you. I have sent you a specimen copy of the anthology I made out of your poems which will be published on your birthday next week. I’m sorry I didn’t admit it earlier, but better late than never. Please take care of yourself, and don’t forget me.
Goodbye,
Kunal.
A teardrop silently fell on the paper as I read the last paragraph. I read it again, one, two, three times. I whispered, “It’s okay, Kunal. It’s okay.” I let out a deep sigh,” You don’t have to apologize.” I put the book and the letter in my bag and stepped out into the cold winter night. The smell of coffee from the coffee shop next door made me feel sick. I remembered his face in the light of the setting sun seven years ago. “Better late than never.” I mumbled to myself. At least I had an answer to last me for a lifetime.
