I wonder how many people do this, but I have a really weird habit of talking to myself out loud. Whenever I get a chance, I close the door and begin talking to myself in full volume. It's like I myself am my confidante, like a separate entity residing in the same body. I don't know if people consider it insane, but this has helped me grow from the spiritual point of view. I have resolved a lot of problems by simply talking to myself loudly.
So here I was, probably last week, talking to myself and reasoning what I want from life. I began narrating the incidents that took place in my life in the past few years, and making a mental note on what I have learnt from each of them. After summing up all I learnt, I asked myself what I want to do in life.
I began analysing a few examples of tracks people are following.
Firstly, I thought about youngsters of my age who have just passed their Senior Secondary Board Exams. Some of them are preparing for the entrance exams for various engineering and medical colleges. Some have enrolled themselves in bachelor's degree courses in various colleges. Some have taken a drop year to reappear in the senior secondary school final exams. And a very small number of them (probably the most unfortunate) have tied the knot and decided to take to household chores for a full time job.
Around 90% of them have no idea what they are headed for. Some, like me, opted for science because "All the other toppers are doing the same thing". Out of these, some fell in love with the subject, and some, like me, started looking for ways to escape. I kept dodging the difficult subjects because I hated studying them, but ultimately had to do so because failing in the final exams was not an option for me. But soon after the exams, I decided to opt out of science and take up literature instead.
As I thought about it, I asked myself why I arrived at this decision. And the answer came to my mind on its own: I am a born artist. I will never find pleasure in mechanical and mathematical theories and a robotic life. My happiness lies in the expression of my feelings. I was born to create beauty. Then it struck me: What I actually want from life is not money or fame. All I want is to be able to create something new everyday. Something that makes me feel accomplished and proud of myself. And what else can make me feel happier than the knowledge that I have created something that has brought smiles on the faces of my fellow human beings?
Yes, I want to create...I want to fill the world with expressions of the feelings that have been dormant for centuries within the hearts of people: The feelings of bliss which have been suppressed by society because it is insane to be happy when everyone else is drowning in depression. I want to give voice to the laughter of the woman who is complete in herself, who wants to drown the voices of those who keep telling her that she needs a man to be happy. I want to give wings to the dreams of a million children who know that the suffering they are going through is not going to last long. I want to heal the world and make it a better place to live in. I just. Want. To create.
